Thursday, December 2, 2010

Warning! Paragraphs 5-7 are lamer than the rest.

Before I begin this blog let me make a few or one things clear. I like commas. A lot. I admit it. I use commas like breathing. If I do not place them every six words or so I might die. Did that, make, any sense? Aha! Did you catch that? I did that on purpose. But most of the time I don't. Which is probably a direct result of dropping out of high school to live life like Jack Kerouac ala On the Road. 

When I wasn't pigging out on Taco Bell and sleeping English class away in the parking lot of Winn-Dixie, I made an appearance in my English class only to drool the hour away at my desk. After a few failed attempts at pretending I didn't just drool Lake Superior on my desk I got hip and started putting pieces of paper under my bored, gaping maw so that when I woke up I would fake a dramatic yawn to distract anyone from noticing me wadding up and flicking my drool paper to the floor.

I will add that after a few months of adventuring, I got my GED, went to college [community-hey, it was a start] to be an English major [ha!] and quit 6 months before I was to graduate to move to Portland, Oregon to resume my life as Lackadaisical Lauren. Adventurer and homeless befriender. Remind me to tell you about Richard, my bestest homeless friend in Portland. 

The Animal [my son] is in bed and so is my other animal. She is not to be on the bed or any furniture for that matter. Why? Because she is of an indeterminate age and has a tinkle problem. I got her after my dog Daisy died. Exactly one day after. I had no intention of getting another dog after the love of my life had been put to sleep but my mom insisted we visit the Humane Society to get me another dog. Presumably, so that I wouldn’t kill myself when she wasn't looking. 

Long story short. After two hours of circling the shelter for my my mom's satisfaction I actually found a furry little creature I took home and named Clementine. My boyfriend at the time suggested it as our favorite TV show was Reno 911 and the whore cop Clementine was one of our favorite characters. That and she comes with her own song! She also came with a tag that had her hometown placed in Hammond, Louisiana. I took it as a sign as we were moving to New Orleans in the next couple of months so away we went... home with a new dog.

The humane society found her wandering the parking lot of a McDonald's on the beach. No one knows how old she really is and that was 6 years ago. Even then she had missing teeth and grey hair. 6 years later with even less teeth and a tinkle problem. She's got medicine for it, but it doesn't plug it completely. Thank god we have wood and tile floors. And even then it's not really apparent unless she's sat somewhere for awhile and there will be a little puddle where her pooch cooch was. Haha. I said "pooch cooch".

Anyways, I decided to let Ole Clem crawl into bed with me as I laid a towel under her booty if she decides to leak a little while she's up here. We haven't snuggled together in a long time so I think she deserves it.

Wow... this was not the blog I intended it to be. I meant to put up that little disclaimer about my comma problem and move on to how this is Happy Blog. It will be all rainbows and unicorns. No foreboding clouds of doom and ringworms on your taint. This is my garden of Oregon grown marijuana, addiction free Xanax, Confederate Jasmine, and purple and green tulips. Hm, there's got to be a kitchen in there somewhere if I'm going to be growing pot on my magical/stressfree/blog-garden of Happiness. Annnnnyyyways.     

What have we learned so far? I obsessively overuse commas, my dog leaks pee, and I have a penchant for homeless people. 

FYI: I hate the word penchant. Like, when I read peoples profiles and they say they have a penchant for something. It's like the ultimate indicator that the person is either stuck up, a hipster, a wannabe hipster, or mentally retarded. Come to think of it... every single one of those stereotypes is an indicator that the person is mentally retarded. 

Oh yeah... I, without fail, will offend everyone at some point throughout the lifespan of this blog. You will have to get over this fact right now or I recommend discontinuing reading my blog. It's just who I am. I mean no harm. I'm not a bigot, or a racist, a mean person. I like to think a little well placed offensiveness is funny. That's all. No big deal. We can get over this together right now and tomorrow can be sees sawing in a park full of marshmallows so if you're over 500 pounds and you catapult me over your head I won't break my neck. Instead, I'll laugh jovially [wait, aren't the people over 500 pounds the only ones who can laugh jovially?]...ahem... I'll laugh hysterically and pull out a bag of graham crackers, Hershey bars, and a torch lighter. We will eat and be merry.

This blog is dedicated to the people who have been following my manic, sometimes depressed, crazed, everyonceinawhile funny, nonsensical, blogs for years. A lot of you are stalkers. And out all of you I love the stalkers most of all. I love youuuuuuuuuuuu!

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead." ~ Charles Bukowski


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

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