Saturday, May 21, 2011

When I started this blog I wanted it to be more like my Myspace blog. But there aren't any options to private anything and I have lots of things to private. I'm trying to tell myself to just say "Fuck it!" That those are the best reads. I want more followers to drink my purple kool-aid. You know what I'm sayin'?

Since I'm a reformed heroin addict/pill fiend turned awesome Mom, I want to include all aspects of my life. Both past and present. Both sad and happy. Both sordid and showing of my progression towards even more awesomeness. So I guess I'm going to forgo my original intentions, those of keeping my family members shaded from my past but still include the fact that I am now a mom. A mom who still says fuck and makes dick jokes complete with filthy hand gestures. Why? Because I am truthful. I don't care what anyone thinks and I'm not going to conform to anyones expectations. 

If I want to write a blog about that time I saw a bum shit his pants on Bourbon Street and then proceed to wallow in it, I will. And that will probably be followed by a paragraph or two about how I fed my kid milk for the first time and when he finally expelled it's contents from his ass it smelled like 2 million rat corpses.

I can do that. Why? 

Because this is MY blog and YOU have chosen to read it. 'Cause, you know, there is an 18 and older disclaimer before you have to click before you get here.

Laurel Q. Strange

Friday, May 20, 2011

If you're stupid and you know it don't have babies! If you're stupid and you know it and you really wanna show it buy a dog!

First, my son has finally started to walk. Yay and "Oh no!" would be my choice words and or phrases for that. He's not to the point where I can take him places without a stroller but he sure is making his way around the house. Let me rephrase that. He sure is making a mess around the house. But of course, I am a proud mother. As I am also proud of the past year he and I have been best buddies. Me and my C-sectioned bottlefed baby. I've had so much fun this past year it's incredible. Now, I'm not a pushy mom by NO means. Please don't have one if you don't want one. Also, if you're not have one. 

Ok, there should be a "Second" since I started this thing with a "First", but I really don't know what to say. How about this? Does anyone ever read a FB post that makes you want to reach through the computer and slap the ever living shit out of the poster? I do. With that being said. Not all zealots are religious. DO NOT FORCE YOUR OPINIONS ON ME OR MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR THE DECISIONS I'VE MADE IN MY LIFE OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. Yes, I know there is an italics button but I'm really yelling this. When I was a heroin addict I didn't run around the French Quarter or post on FB about how awesome and effective heroin is for headaches, stomachaches, shitty neighbors and generally forgetting you yourself exist for some period of time.

And I don't expect you to do it to me. I might be being cryptic here but my child is in no way different than your pussy birthed breastfed child. Did it ever occur to some people that my baby milk depraved child could in any way be smarter than yours? He could very well be the next Einstein or the next assistant manager at McDonalds. But so could yours. Or maybe I had my reasons for doing the things I did. And it wasn't a bad thing. At all. In NO way. And in NO WAY should someone have their feelings hurt for choosing to raise their child the way they want to.

Also, I just finished reading Tina Fey's autobiography and it was pretty awesome. There were two parts I really liked. One, which at first started to piss me the fuck off but then when it ended it came out A+. Two, how Amy Poehler grossed out Jimmy Fallon with a vulgar and "unladylike" [quote tina fey] joke which included hand gestures. Jimmy freaked because it was a woman who was telling the joke. Here are Tina's exact words. "Amy made it clear that she wasn't there to be cute. She wasn't there to play the wives and girlfriends in the boys' scenes. She was there to do what she wanted and she did not fucking care if you liked it."This is where I come in. That is me. I am the girl at the bar [bookstore, grocery store, church, prayer groups, weddings, funerals ect] who is telling the loudest most vulgar hand gesture-y joke you can imagine. I am infamous for big black dick jokes. After reading what Tina Fey said I realized what I already knew. No one wants to see funny femmes making jokes like that. WHY!? I execute them perfectly but alas, they aren't funny unless a man tells them. And this is where I take off the thumb that is holding me down and stick it up your ass.